Christmas Specials You Haven't Been Watching, Part 1: The Muppets Family Christmas

Every year we hear someone utter the phrase, "Christmas starts earlier every year," a little earlier.  This year, we began hearing people complain about the appearance of decorations even before Halloween.  Should this trend continue, we expect the whining will start even before stores start selling holiday merchandise in August.

In order to keep up with consumer demand, The Middle Room is starting a new series on Christmas specials.  Rather than astound you with descriptions of those specials you already watch five times in December, we thought we would instead consider exceptional specials you've never seen or, perhaps, haven't seen in a long time.

Sure, we love "It's Christmas, Charlie Brown" and "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" as much as the next conglomerate of geeks, but there are benefits to exploring less traveled paths.

The first installment will not be the only time we discuss the Muppets in this series, but we consider it the best of the Muppet specials.  Occurring in the home of Fozzie's mother, A Muppet Family Christmas is fundamentally the essence of whimsy and joy condensed into a hour-long television special.

Like Secret Wars and Crisis on Infinite Earths, A Muppet Family Christmas is a massive crossover event, incorporating the casts of The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, and Fraggle Rock.  As any geek knows, the success of any crossover is primarily a factor of how well the characters are portrayed.  Despite the massive cast, the integrity of the characters is consistently maintained.  The attention to detail is as stunning as the special is clever.

From Sprocket and Rowlf's untranslated discussion to the brilliantly arranged medley at the end, this is a work of astonishing care.  But the high point of the special is a showdown of sorts between the Swedish Chef and Big Bird that plays out precisely the way it should.

Various versions of this special have been made available on DVD, though you'll be hard pressed to find one that hasn't been truncated due to copyright issues.  Fortunately, there exists a solution.

Going Green

And so it begins.

Last month, we drew your attention to our government's preemptive attack on the lunar surface and the dangers that entailed.  The findings of that action have now come to light.

There is water, it seems, buried beneath the moon's cold surface.

Next, we suspect, the scientists and politicians will seek to exploit this discovery.  Already, stage one is in discussion: the construction of a permanent moon base.

But that is only the start.  It is only a matter of time, we fear, before the terraforming of the moon's surface begins.  Giant domes will soon be constructed, in which we'll use the newly found water to start growing crops in the lunar soil.

Before long, the tranquility of the moon will be interrupted with the viral green plantation of Earth.  When this occurs, the unique environmental conditions of the moon will be lost, buried beneath our alien plants.  Eventually, the moon will be but a mirror of the ball it orbits, losing all individuality and distinguishing features in the spreading sea of our biological pollution.

As environmentalists, we cannot permit this.  The nul-ecosystem of the lunar surface has remained in balance for million of years, cared for and protected by the sublunarean Moon Men dwelling deep beneath the ground.  To introduce living, growing things into this rich environment will destroy what makes it special.

It will also likely further enrage the Moon Men, who have shown remarkable restraint in the wake of last month's attack.

Movie Review: Zombieland

It is impossible to coherently discuss the movie Zombieland without spoilers; therefore this review will be entirely incoherent.

Comparisons to Shaun of the Dead are inevitable, as that has set the bar for contemporary zombie-comedy films.  Indeed, we will come back to Shaun in time, but it is not where we intend to start.

Zombies aside, we detected a hint of Fight Club in the first third of this movie.  In addition to the use of text digitally embedded in the world, the two main characters here were more than a little reminiscent of Tyler Durden and the narrator in Fight Club.

This isn't a criticism, by the way, merely an observation.  Both Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg were hilarious, and we found their characters intrinsically likeable.  But aspects were certainly familiar.

You should also be aware that this movie does not shy away from gore.  These are not a breed of sanitary, dry undead: these are viral zombies, seemingly alive.  Their wounds bleed, they vomit, and they tear into the living like starved animals.  This may be a comedy at heart, but it isn't afraid to rip that heart out and hold it up to the camera, so long as it's in a lighthearted way.

We have heard that the concept behind Zombieland was originally intended for television.  Despite the violence and language, we have no problem believing this: ultimately, Zombieland felt more like the first three episodes of a very good TV show than it did a full movie.

It also felt like each of those episodes was written and directed by someone different.  This isn't to say any of the movie was bad - as a point of fact, the opposite was true - it was simply inconsistent.  This may require a bit of clarification, as Shaun of the Dead utilized dramatically different tones at different points, as well.  But Shaun of the Dead used an evolving tone to gradually move the genre from comedy to horror, before snapping back at the last minute.  It was intentional and methodical.

Zombieland doesn't feel so thought out.  It's as though there were separate visions for different parts of the movie, and these were never integrated or reconciled.  This doesn't ruin the experience, though it does give the movie less weight than it otherwise could have had.

The ending also feels more TV than film, lacking gravitas or effect.  When all is said and done, the theme is more or less that of a kid's movie, and its attempts to develop any kind of existential point are undermined by a lack of consistency.

We must also pause to discuss a scene that, due to it's nature, can't be discussed.  It is a scene featuring an actor playing a character.  To describe this in more depth, apparently, would be to spoil the movie.  Every review or article we've seen has implied this to be the spoiler of the century and, while we don't personally feel it's quite that significant, far be it from us to break the embargo.

The scene in question, which we cannot discuss, occurs around the center of the movie.  We've seen it referred to as a cameo, though it feels more like a guest star: again, more TV than film.

The odd thing is, from the standpoint of narrative, the scene should not be in the movie.  It completely erodes the already faltering tone, and the behavior of the characters is completely irrational.  From a logical perspective, it shouldn't be here.  However, it's doubtlessly the high point of the film.  On some level, that encapsulates our opinion of this movie: the whole may be less than the sum of its parts, but at least the parts are a hell of a lot of fun.

If you're already at the theater and are trying to choose a movie to see, Zombieland is certainly a good option; not as good as Where the Wild Things Are, but then few movies are.  But we would hesitate to recommend going out of your way to see it.  This is the kind of movie that seems like it was destined to be a DVD.  We have high hopes for the extras, and we suspect it will hold up to repeat viewings.  But at an hour and a half with only seven credited cast members, it feels light for the big screen.

We considered holding this movie against Fight Club or Shaun of the Dead, but Zombieland chose its own muse.  We can't actually tell you what we're rating this against - that would be a spoiler - but we can tell you it scores three and a half stars against the epitome of what it's trying to be.  It owes a lot to that film, actually.  Kudos to Zombieland for finding an opportunity to thank it directly.

Star Wars and Lord of the Rings

As of late, we've spent some time discussing both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings.  In the process, we've come to reflect on these epics and the odd relationship they share.

Just as Lucas defined theatergoers' expectations with Star Wars, Peter Jackson provided the standard for a new generation of geeks when he made The Lord of the Rings. The Middle Room stands somewhat between these generations. Perhaps that is why this is The MIDDLE Room.

No, our mistake: it's because we are situated between the front and back rooms.

We realize there are those who would pit these series against each other, as Kevin Smith has done in jest in Clerks 2, but there is no real animosity here. In truth, these have had a symbiotic relationship: neither would exist in its current form without the other. Lucas, when crafting his movies, was influenced by Tolkien's books, just as Peter Jackson was influenced by the Star Wars films.

Consider, if you will, the ending of The Empire Strikes Back. Han Solo is captured and taken to Jabba the Hutt, a scene reminiscent of Frodo's capture at the end of Tolkien's The Two Towers. In both cases, there is a great deal of ambiguity as to whether the hero is living or dead. Incidentally, this same cliffhanger occurs, in one form or another, in The Matrix Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Chronicles of Riddick (though it's unclear if we'll ever receive the conclusion to that), Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan, and X-Men 2.

In Peter Jackson's Return of the King, during a scene not in the book, Eowyn kneels beside the mortally wounded Theoden. "I'm going to save you," she tells him. "You already did," he assures her, paraphrasing Luke and Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi, whose title is almost certainly a reference to Tolkien's Return of the King.

Would Obi Wan have fallen to Vader if Gandalf hadn't to the Balrog? Did Tolkien's description of Sauron influence the look of Darth Vader? Did Vader then influence the design on Sauron in the movie?

From a more practical standpoint, it's unlikely New Line would have authorized funding for the Lord of the Rings trilogy without the precedent laid down by Star Wars. And one has to wonder if Fox would have laid down the money for Star Wars if it weren't for the existing fantasy and science fiction fan base Tolkien helped establish.

We could go on, but the point, we think, is made. These two trilogies are part of the same tradition, two towering beacons which help define the genre and, perhaps, each other.

Movie Review: Where the Wild Things Are

Spike Jonze has created a film that truly captures the essence of youth.  You will spend the hour and a half reminiscing about your own childhood: the things you did, the way the world seemed, and the way you were treated.

If you think this will somehow translate into an experience heartwarming or magical, then you've forgotten what the experience was actually like.

That's okay.  Where the Wild Things Are will remind you.

It is, above all, honest.  Children are a violent and self centered lot.  Jonze's portrayal of youth is akin to J.M. Barrie's.  Lacking the perspective to understand the needs of others, children are trapped in an almost solipsistic reality in which they are driven mad by the universe's refusal to bend to their will.  There is a tragedy to innocence: children are ultimately alone in their own world.

Where the Wild Things Are explores this fearlessly.  It is also one of the most somber films we've ever seen, delving into its characters' pain and confusion.  The Wild Things are as dangerous and cruel as children themselves.  But, like Peter Pan, they won't grow up.  They are trapped forever; confused, angry, and alone.  And in pain.

You will feel for them.

Maurice Sendak has made some comments recently in which he brutally attacked critics of this film.  We assumed, as is only natural, that such attacks were motivated by his authorship of the book.  Now we know better: it is the only rational reaction we can imagine to criticism of this picture.  Apparently, more than thirty percent of critics disagree.

What is truly remarkable is how different Jonze's vision of this world is to what we've imagined.  We remember the book as a primal fantasy, but nothing about this movie feels like fantasy, at all.  Everything that happens, no matter how surreal or bizarre, is real.  There is no magic here, only emotion and pain.  Yet, somehow, this comes across as far more beautiful than anything we could have imagined.

It is a stellar film, a new classic "children's" movie.  It defies comparison: it is unlike any movie we can think of.  It is reminiscent of children's films which have dared cross genres and delve into difficult themes.  Watership Down.  Spirited Away.  The Last Unicorn.  Coraline.  These are, of course, all animated, and, in a sense, Where the Wild Things Are is as well: most of the movie revolves around puppets and digital effects.  But, in another sense, there is nothing animated here at all.  This is a work or realism, which incorporates monsters and impossibilities.  These are only tools, however: even before Max leaves for the island we were entranced by the world Jonze created.  Max's irritation at school, the fights with his family, and the intricacies of his life were no less fascinating than the monsters he went on to befriend.

This movie has no real comparison, which often creates problems for us when rating.  Not this time, however.  This time it's easy.

Five stars.

Retaliation

By our accounting, there are two types of people on this world: those who believe in the existence of Moon Men and those who do not.

We find ourselves wondering which of these groups authorized military action against the moon.

On one hand, it seems obvious that only someone who does not believe in the existence of such beings would dare to strike the moon as we have.  On the other, why else would we have bothered?

The cover story for the attack relates to water, also known as dihydrogen monoxide.  The significance of this compound is obvious: its presence could suggest the possibility that the moon could support life.

But life, as we know, tends to grow angry when provoked.

If indeed there are Moon Men, what can we expect?  Through use of the internet, we have prepared some information which may prove invaluable to our readers.

Apparently, there is evidence that Moon Men may have ventured here in primitive times, as posited in the science fiction classic, Hercules Vs. the Moon Men.  If so, it seems likely these Moon Men may have been involved in the building of the pyramids and Stone Henge.  They may also have utilized some sort of time machine to travel to the future, than returned to inform the Mayans that the Earth was going to end in 2012.

If course, this was merely a trick, so we wouldn't expect their retaliation, which will likely occur within the month.  Be wary of the advice of Moon Men: they are a deceitful lot.

And Commando Cody is no longer around to protect us.

TGIF

To many, Friday is a prince among the days of the week.  And, above all else, Friday night is a time of celebration; a symbol, a shining beacon of freedom and joy.  But to the geek, Friday night has a darker connotation, as well.

It is a time of death.

There are many shows we could name.  Hundreds, perhaps, have gone into that cold time slot.  Always there is hope: perhaps this will be another X-Files; perhaps it will escape.

But, in time, it is always the same.  Always the screens are black.  Always there is the same silence.  And then the sound of an ax falling.  And then nothing.

Nine o'clock at night.  You know it; it is the witching hour, when the TV executives stalk the shadows.  Pity the show that stumbles into their path.

We remember.  You know what we speak of: the show that transcended description, the program that rose above the limitations of mere television and stood as something... something more.

We speak of Firefly.  We speak of a television show that came as close to perfection as any ever has.  But it flew too high, too close to the sun.  And there were those who were jealous.  They could not abide something so brilliant, so they sent it into the abyss of Friday night.  Nine o'clock.  Eight central.

And it was gone.

We thought we would never love television again.  Then Dollhouse appeared, a show overseen by Joss Whedon.  In the same time slot, it was placed, sent to die, we assumed.

But Joss was wily.  He knew the slot hunted the greatest shows that wandered in, so he made the first season flawed.  And so it escaped, barely, to grow into a second season.

We have seen the first episodes of this new season, and we are scared.  Because its flaws have been beaten, its errors corrected.  Now, it has become a thing of intrigue and power.

And, like a storm, the dismal ratings are in.  Already, we can hear the sounds of gnashing teeth and the sharpening of the ax.  The curse is descending.  Can it be stopped?  Can it be undone?

We don't know.  But we will hope.