Friday, May 18, 2012
In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that I have not, in fact, seen Battleship, nor do I plan to do so. In most cases, I would consider this sufficient cause to forgo writing a review, but I feel like Battleship deserves special consideration. Besides, while I did not go to the theater, I did go to Youtube, where I just watched the trailers for all three Transformers movies, along with two versions of "In the Navy" (the original music video, as well as the Muppets' take), so I consider myself qualified to discuss Battleship with some authority. After all, the subtle differences between what I just saw and the movie in theaters really can't be greater than the difference between seeing a movie in IMAX 3D versus seeing it in a conventional theater.
Ultimately, I found the experience unsatisfying. At the end of the day, the movie just wasn't memorable. In fact, even if I'd actually seen it, I don't think I'd have retained much. While there were some solid special effects, everything flew by so quickly I couldn't really bring myself to care. On top of that, I really didn't feel like anything I saw was substantially different from any number of Michael Bay movies.
Likewise, the performances were generally underwhelming. Sure, Liam Neeson's cool, but he felt wasted here. The movie's lead, Taylor Kitsch, only makes me wonder why studios have so much faith in the guy: while I actually did like John Carter, he was clearly the weak link. I did think Link Hogthrob did good work in his role as a naval officer, but it's not like he was able to salvage the film.
It should go without saying that I can't recommend this movie to anyone. I'm just glad I actually took my own advice this time.
Yeah, normally I'd feel bad reviewing a movie I didn't watch. But when your strategy is to adapt a strategy board game into an alien invasion flick which DOESN'T end with Hulk showing up to kick the aliens' asses, then you release it a few weeks after the Avengers, I'm not sure you deserve anyone's sympathy.
And you sure as hell don't deserve our money.
Posted by Erin Snyder at 6:50 PM