The Art of War

Recently, Ain't It Cool News ran a contest, challenging readers to write a short piece explaining how they would contend with a Balrog, were they in Gandalf's shoes in the mines of Moria.  I entered this competition, devoting a whole hour toward composing a battle strategy.

The grand prize was an object with more worth than all of the Shire: two tickets to see the score of The Fellowship of Ring performed live.

Someone else won that.

However, unless there is another Erin Snyder in Astoria, NY who entered this contest, I came in a respectable second.  So, without further ado, here is my entry:

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First things first - I’d need a little time to work.  I mean, there’s a good quarter mile or so between myself and the bridge of Khazad-dum, and, since I don’t personally serve the secret fire or wield the flame of Anor, I’ve got some prep work to take care of.  That means I have to buy some time to do this right.

So.  What are my assets?  I’ve got Aragorn and Boromir, both of whom are a tad too eager to cut down anything in their way: fine in most circumstances, but swords are no more use here.  I’ve got Legolas, who can apparently neuter a fly at a quarter mile: again, impressive… but not much help.  And there’s Gimli, who’s still pissed about the extermination of all the bearded men and women in Moria.

The thing is, those guys are all going to be useful down the road.  I need something expendable; something we’re not going to need to wrap up the trilogy.

What’s this?  I’ve also got four hobbits.  Let’s stop and think for a moment.  All right, we’re definitely going to need one hobbit to hurl the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom, and it’s good to have a spare halfling in case you lose one to giant spiders, orcs, or a hungry house cat or something… but FOUR hobbits?  Come on; who are we kidding?  This fellowship is supposed to represent the unity of the diverse peoples of Middle Earth.  Hobbits account for what?  Maybe zero-point-two percent of the world’s population - even less if you measure by biomass.  Why do they make up nearly half the damn fellowship?  You think we couldn’t use a few more elven archers here?  Or what about one of Beorn’s descendants?  Come on: which is going to take out more orcs: a hobbit or a freaking were-bear?

Unfortunately, when the details were getting ironed out in Rivendell, Elrond was half-assing it.  Not too surprising, since he’s getting ready to retire to a nice gated community in the west.  You could see it on his smug face: “Three more spots on the fellowship?  Yeah, the hobbits will do.  Why the hell not?  I’m leaving, anyway!”

But that’s in the past.  Here we are now, with an army of orcs in wait and a demon of shadow and fire bearing down on us.  I know it’s harsh; I know it’s cold, but a leader’s got to know how to make sacrifices.  That’s why I need Pippin to run down a side tunnel screaming, “I’ve got the ring, I’ve got the ring!”

Don’t look at me that way: if the pipsqueak had kept his hands to himself, we’d have avoided this mess altogether.

Where was I?  Oh yes, while Pippin’s luring the Balrog away, that gives the rest of us some time to heroically survive crumbling staircases, dodge orcish arrows, and dart over the thin bridge.  At this point, we’d have plenty of time to escape while the Balrog’s roasting the Took like a marshmallow over a campfire, only… well… I just don’t feel right about leaving.

Besides, if we don’t avenge Pippin’s death, the other three halflings are going to be bitching about it all the way to Mordor.

So.  Time for Gimli to earn his keep.  The bridge of Khazad-dum isn’t the most structurally stable piece of engineering in the best of times; beneath the weight of a Balrog, it’s got to be on the verge of going on its own.

All I need Gimli to do is help it along.  A few well placed swings with his ax, and he should have a crack going.  Then I’d get everyone across and wait for old Durin’s Bane to show his face.

Now this is the important part: I’m not going anywhere near that damn bridge.  Not within ten feet.  Why?  Because the Balrog’s got a goddamned whip!

No, I’d keep a good distance from the bridge and shout insults across.  “Hey, we got a call from King Minos, and he wants you back in your maze!”  He takes a step, the bridge falls out from under him, and down he goes, tumbling end over end until he hits the bottom.

Not good enough?  He might still survive?  Fine.  Then I take up a collection of spare change from the fellowship and toss the coins over the edge.  If a quarter dropped by a construction worker can dent my Chevy from twenty stories, these things should be a damned meteor shower by the time they reach the bottom.  And, if not, no big deal: that Balrog isn’t climbing back up anytime this week.

So, with a little common sense, I could get eight out of nine members of the fellowship through all right, as well as rid us of some comic relief.  I just have to remember to tell Treebeard to take a stroll by Isengard, and I’ll need some other way of lighting the Beacons of Gondor.  That shouldn’t be too difficult: after all, they keep the fire burning right above the fuel.  I could probably knock it over with a rock or something.

All in all, not too shabby.

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The Middle Room offers our sincere apologies to fans of Pippin and Billy Boyd.  And to the first place winner, we offer our congratulations... and our scorn.

Bicentennial

We mark an auspicious occasion with this post, for this is our 200th anniversary.  This may confuse many of you, as a cursory glance at the sidebar will reveal, accurately, that the Middle Room was officially founded on March 9, 2008.

This is indeed the case.  However, here in The Middle Room, we have numerous methods of time travel at our disposal, which we've used to travel the multiverse and explore alternate time-lines and possibilities.  For two centuries now, we've explored rising machines and nanotechnology, the psychology of superheroes and villains, and now we've returned, to this time, to carry on as we always have.

To you, dear reader, no doubt stuck in a three-dimensional existence, we offer a strange happenstance:

This is also, by complete coincidence, our two hundredth post.  At least in this time and this reality (we're still on 189 on Earth-3).  Granted, many of these were nothing more than notifications of toy reviews going up in The Clearance Bin, a policy we stopped after our infamous falling out with their editorial staff.

At any rate, in celebration we thought to look back at The Middle Room so far, at where we've come from and where we hope to go.  We have been to the future, and we assure you it is indeed bright (mainly due to the detonation of plasma bombs occurring in our forthcoming war against the machines, but its still a pleasant metaphor if you don't think it through).

We begin with a glance at our favorite pictures posted over the years.  As is customary in this era, we will select our 10 favorites, rather than the "Top 8", favored by the cold logic of the mechanical minds which rule many of our possible (and likely) futures:

10. Our first picture hails from Faster Than a Speeding Bullet, posted February 13, 2009:

9. Next, we present a picture from the classic post, Who Reviews the Reviewers?, first published on March 8 in the year of our lord, 2008:

8.  We believe the quality of photographs has grown, as of late, as evidenced by the following, from An Evening at the Theater, posted September 26 of this year:

7.  Let it not be said that The Middle is unwilling to engage in social commentary.  This was posted as part of The Spirit of the Holidays, posted on November 29, 2008:

6.  The following first appeared with The Time Before, published on October 1, 2008:

5.  On July 18, 2008, The Middle Room had little choice but to take the British to task over their unforgivable attack on Black Canary in The Values We Hold:

4.  Another recent addition, the following accompanied DVD Review: Hulk Vs. on September 13, 2009:

3.  This was used to introduce Movie Review: Coraline on February 7, 2009:

2.  The Middle Room remembered Gary Gygax in Final Respects, posted on April 9, 2009:

1.  Finally, one of our most recent images may be our best.  This accompanied The Lord of the Rings: an Annual Viewing, part 3 of 3, posted September 25:

We leave you with this, a re-post of our very first post, which explains who we are: 

The Cool Kids Sit Elsewhere
(originally posted March 9, 2008)

Welcome to the middle room. We have plenty of chairs here, plenty of seats, and all are of course welcome to join us. But before you do, know this: ours is a strange path, and there are many who would choose to avoid it. If your love is for sports or shoes, then you may want to press on to other stops in the vast abyss that men call... the internet.

For here you shall find none of those things. Here, there is only the geek. The oddity. The icosahedron lies within, and it is ever turning. Do you dare gaze into its many faces? If not, deer reader (or elk reader: all Cervidae are equally welcome), do not venture further.

There are other things here, as well. Stories of those who are more than human. Stories of Gods, proudly clad in spandex armor, lie within. Stories of beasts, a hundred feet tall, with nuclear breath shall likewise be considered.

And, should they fight, who amongst us to claim to guess at the winner?

Join us, if you would. Pull up a seat at our table, or one of the other nearby tables, if ours is already full. But know this: this is neither the front room, nor is it the back.

You have entered the middle room. It lies between the other two, and the cool kids sit elsewhere.

Shifting Predictions

The realm of digital and real is blurring slightly faster than predicted, and we felt it necessary to alert our readers to the updated timetable.

The impetus for this correction is the September 18 issue of Entertainment Weekly. Subscribers in New York and LA will receive a copy containing a video and audio advertisement embedded in the magazine. Additional data can be located here.

A demonstration of the technology in use is available here.

If the ability to place a digital video clip in a print publication can be inverted, there is no limit to the potential. At last, candy could be digitized and distributed electronically, as shown in this safety video.

Of course, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Now that the boundary between reality and the internet has been breached, it is only a matter of time before we begin to enter the online realm ourselves.

So, for those of you keeping track, here is the revised projected timetable:

September 2009: First digital video embedded in print publication.

May 2010 (estimated): Digital embeds common.

January 2012 (estimated): Initial test of matter to digital transference of sample merchandise (70% chance of error; thousands die consuming tainted chocolate).

March 2012 (estimated): Errors corrected; digital distribution methods perfected.

June 2012 (estimated): Initial attempts to bridge the gap by sending a human into the digital world malfunction, creating a monster between realities; hungry, angry, and immortal, this becomes a blight upon the Earth.

July 2012 (estimated): Errors corrected; digital projection becomes common means of transportation.

November 2012 (estimated): Computerized elements, barraged by shards of the digitized souls of those passing through their world, awaken.

January 2013 (estimated): The newly awakened programs declare war on humanity.

So, as you can see, we are seeing an unanticipated acceleration towards digital war. Previous estimates of course placed the war with machines as late as 2033.

We suggest you update your calendars.

In Perspective

When we say, for instance, that Japan is fundamentally cooler than America will ever be, it is more than mere hyperbole: it is, rather, a serious hypothesis founded on scientifically conducted, empirical research.

I offer, for your consideration, the town of Cawker City, Kansas, which is home to the world's largest ball of twine (narrowly beating out the competition in Darwin, Minnesota).

In contrast, Japan is building giant robots. I mean no disrespect towards the hard working individuals and communities which have created those balls of twine, but I feel there is little controversy in suggesting that Japan may have won out.

Rise of the Machines

I find it difficult to categorize the following news item. While it exists somewhat beyond the usual scope of The Middle Room's mission statement, it struck me that my readers would probably like to know that the Germans have begun construction of mecha-penguins.

As to their creators' motivation, that remains to be seen. Nevertheless, there can be little doubt that the world is enriched by such fascinating creations, even if their final intent is sinister by design.

Versions exist which operate in the water and in the air. I've yet to see evidence that variants have been crafted which can belly-slide down hills of ice, but such modifications seem simple enough.

Images of flying penguin-bots brings to mind zeppelins patrolling the skies. And yet, can anyone truly look on these creations without admiring the whimsical design?

Of course, if these constructions do have dark intentions, surely no human agent could find it in their heart to combat them. What spy, no matter how cold-hearted, could ever harm a penguin?

Might we then suggest another alternative to keep our world safe?

The Mask Considered

We can remain silent no longer. Recently, the issue of identity, as pertaining to Batman and Superman, has resurfaced as a point of debate across the internet. Both SF Gospel and Threat Quality Press have engaged the issue, and now io9 has offered their thoughts, as well.

The conclusions they come to are more or less the same. Batman, they say, is the true personality, while Bruce Wayne is a mask. And, likewise, that Clark Kent is real, while Superman is a disguise worn by a farm boy with exceptional powers.

The arguments presented at all three of these sites are strong and have been well thought out. Yet, ultimately, it is our opinion that all have missed the point.

They've chosen select stories, and mistook specific versions of these characters for broad rules.

The question of true identity is not meant to have one answer. Different stories will provide different points of view, and this is as it should be. Because, if every writer had approached these characters the same way, some of the best superhero stories written would never have come to fruition.

Let us begin with Batman, since his comic book was first.

Surely there are stories where Batman is the dominant personality: Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns jumps immediately to mind, of course. Other writers, before and since, have also approached Batman in this manner. It is somewhat poetic, of course, to say that Bruce Wayne is the mask. As far as we know the convention was started by Denny O'Neil in the seventies, where he played with the idea that, to protect his secret identity, Bruce Wayne needed to act cowardly and spoiled: it's important to note this was originally an idea Batman found frightening, not empowering.

And, in doses, this version can lead to interesting stories. In larger quantities, however, there are problems which develop. If Bruce Wayne is truly an illusion, who is Batman avenging? The Waynes were Bruce's parents; if Batman has truly disassociated from Wayne, wouldn't his connection to Bruce's parents have been severed, as well?

The story, "The Autobiography of Bruce Wayne," by Alan Brennert, takes another approach. In it, an elderly Bruce Wayne recounts the story of how he revealed his identity to Catwoman and eventually married her. This story is interesting, as it begins with a version of Batman who has "lost" Bruce Wayne: in essence, where it seems that Batman is the true identity. Exposed to the Scarecrow's fear gas, Batman's allies and loved ones began to vanish from his sight, leaving him alone. This, we discover, is Batman's greatest fear: that his new family will be taken from him just as his parents were. Frightened, he teams up with Catwoman, who convinces him to remove the mask:

I found and captured the Scarecrow, of course... but more important... that night I found Bruce Wayne.

It is beautiful story, and we recommend it to anyone, particularly those who still insist that Bruce Wayne should never be more than a mask.

There are other versions of the character, of course. One of our favorite episodes of Batman: The Animated Series showcases a more complex adaptation. "Old Wounds" reveals the falling out between Batman and the original Robin. Sensing that he's losing an ally, Batman brings Batgirl into his world, in effect stealing his son's girlfriend. It would be easy to mistake this as a case of Batman being the true persona, but the truth is far more devious. The episode shows how he uses both Bruce Wayne and Batman as masks, manipulating everyone - possibly even himself - towards ends we can only grasp at. This version of Batman is not a character at all, at least not in the traditional sense. Instead, he's a setting for other characters.


In old versions of the character, the Superman persona seems to have been dominant, with Clark Kent being a tool to fit in. But this presents something of a logic problem: unlike Batman, there is no real reason Superman needs to be Clark Kent at all. Why not fake his death and become Superman full time?

To answer this, most writers agree that, at the very least, being Kent is something Superman enjoys or needs. Many take it a step further, declaring that Clark Kent is who Superman "really" is. After all, he was raised by human parents in Kansas: isn't this how he thinks of himself?

In "Superman: For All Seasons," Jeph Loeb utilizes a version of Superman who really is Clark Kent. No matter what powers and abilities he has, he is really a Kansas farm boy at heart. What's more; that's all he wants to be. Lex Luthor is the one who wants to be a savior and God.

Since the Silver Age, there have been few Superman stories which have portrayed Clark as wanting more than the simple life. However, the question should not be what Superman wants, but what he is. And, in The Dark Knight Returns, Clark Kent is a memory. Here, Superman is THE Superman, the Nietzschean ideal. He has come to realize that the Kents were wrong to see him as human: that, for better or worse he is more than that.

Another extreme is Grant Morrison's All Star Superman, where we see a version existing as a religious figure. He is, ultimately, a god, who exists to do good. Whether he wants to be Clark Kent or not is immaterial: as he nears the end of his life, his desire to do good takes over, and he becomes a God.

Many of the greatest Superman stories have considered this transition between man and god. In Superman: The Movie, we see Clark Kent embrace his destiny as a savior. In Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow, we see a god choose to become a man at the end.

Our all time favorite portrayal of the character, however, was on Justice League Unlimited, which showed Superman on the edge of losing his humanity. A series of horrors unleashed by Lex Luthor, culminating in the presumed death of a friend, brought Superman to the point where he seemed ready to kill his adversary. Through the use of multiple universes, such a version of Superman had appeared before. But, when the moment came, Superman realized that he wasn't a man who could kill, though he was so angry he wished he could.

In the end, there is reason to believe that it is the ambiguity of identity that may ultimately define these characters. To demand one answer diminishes the question. There is room in these mythologies for multiple points of view. We are fans of The Dark Knight Returns, Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow, Adam West, the animated DC Universe, The Dark Knight, and countless other tales. The world we be poorer, we believe, if any of these were versions were ignored.

And we must therefore differ with our friends at Threat Quality Press, SF Gospel, io9, and anyone else who believes these characters should be limited. To reduce Batman or Superman to a single portrayal sacrifices the richness of their mythologies.

25 Years of Animation, Part 1: Exo Squad

The marvels of modern technology seldom surprise us. Here in The Middle Room, we've devices the world is not yet prepared to face, machines designed to tear open the fabric of space and time, allowing us to perceive the world in myriad ways the non-geek has never dreamed of.

We state this not to boast, but rather to offer context: we are not impressed by simple engineering. No, to gain our interest, more must be offered. The internet, to win our approval, must improve our lives.

And so it has. Hulu, a simple web-based television service, has apparently secured the rights to Exo Squad, one of the most underrated television programs of the past thousand years. While many of us remembered the show from when it was originally aired, we'd not seen it in some time. Since there was little guarantee that it would remain available for all eternity, we felt it prudent to view the second season in its entirety now, rather than have to rely on time travel later.

Having done so, we felt it important to share some reflections.

We begin, as we must, with a description for the uninformed. Exo Squad was an animated science fiction series running for two seasons in the 90's. While the animation was conventional, the writing was not: this is easily the best military science fiction we have ever seen broadcast on American television.

As is widely reported, Exo Squad is largely inspired by Japanese animation. Recent marketing has even dubbed it the "American Anime," and there is a kernel of truth to this claim. However, we find such analysis incomplete: there are many influences that shaped this program, and not all are Japanese.

Echoes of science fiction from the 1950s and before permeate this show, as do questions of morality and identity. But where the show truly shines is in its portrayal of war.

Imagine GI Joe, if not every shot missed. Imagine marines being dropped in pods from a space ship, with enemies vaporizing them before they hit the ground.

And imagine the deaths being acknowledged. This is what makes Exo Squad unique among American animation or, for that matter, almost any kind of American television.

In Star Trek, for instance, when a character appears for a single episode, wearing (more often than not) a red shirt, and dies, the tragedy elicits an initial response - usually anger - which is forgotten as quickly as their name.

In the first season of Exo Squad, a character appears for a single episode. In fact, she does not survive a scene. She has been newly assigned to the squad, and, due to a combination of equipment failure and inexperience, she dies trying to enter Earth's atmosphere.

The team takes a second to mourn her, reflecting on the fact they never even learned her name. The lieutenant, who's never lost a soldier in his command before, is traumatized. He tells them her name, then continues with the mission.

But he can't forget her. He places a picture of her in his E-Frame. It stays there through the entire series.

This leaves an impression of war that most shows never touch. Rather than glaze over the horrors of battle, Exo Squad showcases loss. Most shows, live action and animated alike, would rather portray war as something glamorous, paying nothing more than lip service to lost friends and family. This is something different, something serious.

And it was all in the interest of selling toys.

Herein lies the fascinating juxtaposition of Exo Squad. In a show with phenomenal writing and storytelling, with developed characters and plot lines, you can actually see how the toys are intended to function.

The missiles extend beyond the guns, allowing them to mirror perfectly the action figures they're meant to represent. One can look at the designs and imagine the spring just out of view.

Just as Transformers used to introduce new characters for the purpose of selling new toys, Exo Squad introduces new genetic monstrosities - many with laughably absurd designs - in hopes of marketing action figures.

But the explanations for these additions are always well thought out; the episodes themselves are often brilliant. The stories are developed with such care, you will find a giant blue man with bee wings terrifying.

If you've some time to kill, the series is currently available on Hulu. A DVD set containing the first season will also be released next month, but, for now at least, this content is available free of charge.

Spandex Drawn in a Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare: An Analysis of the Improvements in Children's Television

For those of us who are fans of both superheroes and animation have much to celebrate.

There are, at present, a larger number of high-quality animated series in production than any time we remember. It is, for the geek, somewhat bewildering: we did not realize what was happening until these shows were upon us, and when they were, it took us a moment to regain our thoughts.

We were skeptical of most of what follows - cynical even - since all of the following, in some ways at least, struck us as unwelcome additions to the genre. But, in every case that follows, we were proven wrong.

Let us begin, as it were, with the newest of the bunch: Wolverine and the X-Men. When we first saw trailers for this work, we were of two minds. On one hand, the show appeared quite dark - a positive in our minds. But, at the same time, there were warning signs. Wolverine is many things, but a leader is not his strong suit. There is, however, an exception to this rule: in some apocalyptic future story, we've seen an older Logan leading the X-Men.

We were shocked to find that not only are the writers clearly familiar with this, it seems to be the very impetus for the series. While no huge catastrophe has befallen the world, things have grown darker than we'd have expected from a program appearing on Nicktoons.

This isn't to say the program is perfect: sadly, it is not. The animation, while exceptional at times, is uneven, and the writers have yet to prove their comprehension of some characters. In addition, no animated X-Men program has yet solved the problem of Wolverine not being allowed to kill on children's television... though this has done a better job than any other attempt we've seen.

In just two episodes, they've incorporated elements of Grant Morrison's wild Sentinels and Mutant processing plants from Days of Future Past. At the same time, there is a sense that these stories are new. Throughout the history of the comics, there has always been the threat that things could fall apart. The show is based in that world. The telepaths of Earth, including the professor and Jean, have been attacked and are missing. The mutant registration act has passed. We are fascinated to see how the story develops.

Two episodes have aired so far, and, for the time being, both are available free at Nicktoons' site. These are recommended viewing for any fans of Marvel Comics.

It wouldn't do to bring up the subject of a post-apocalyptic Marvel Universe without at least acknowledging Marvel's recent direct-to-dvd movie, Next Avengers. The premise is surprisingly dark: an aging Tony Stark has raised the children of The Avengers in their parents' absence. And why are their parents absent?

Because, dear reader, Ultron killed them.

On the surface, Next Avengers is a simple legacy story of a team of young superheroes following in their parents' footsteps. But that was gleamed from previews, and it is far from the most interesting aspect of the film. We had assumed that The Avengers fell defeating Ultron, and we expected this to be the story of his return, when the children had to band together to fight him.

But we were very, very wrong. Ultron did not go anywhere. He began a worldwide conquest, as nations and continents fell before him. By the time the movie begins, he rules most of the world. The surviving humans are nomadic warriors, waging a battle against armies of robots.

Next Avengers tells an unusual story, one where the heroes have failed and a villain has won. In this regard, it is quite fascinating.

It would be better, however, were it a little darker. We never actually see the horrors that are suggested, a problem, I suspect, caused by a desire for a PG rating. Had we seen more of the impact of Ultron's rule on humans, we believe, it would have delivered a more fulfilling emotional punch.

There are other complaints we might make as well. For instance, some of the dialogue was a bit weak, and the ending felt rushed (though we found ourselves happy with the direction that was taken).

Marvel's earlier direct-to-dvd projects have left us disappointed. But Next Avengers was a pleasant surprise. If you've an opportunity to watch this, we happily recommend it.

As much as the above impressed us, we are even more taken with Cartoon Network's work on Batman: Brave and the Bold. Long time readers of The Middle Room will no doubt recall our concern when the program was initially announced.

Fans of Justice League Unlimited may recall an episode where Batman and Superman casually discuss a problem they've been having with Captain Marvel, all the while fighting a gang of supervillains. It is as if this one scene were stretched into an entire series, and that series is Batman: Brave and the Bold.

Never before has a DC animated series felt so embedded in a comic universe: not even JLU. This takes place in a world of established heroes and villains, some represent generations of crime fighters.

We are unsure exactly how many episodes of Brave and the Bold have aired, though we know we have missed at least a few. We have had an opportunity to view four episodes, however. Of these, two were good, though far from spectacular. The more recent episodes, on the other hand, floored us.

In our favorite episode, Deadman and Batman team up to battle Gentleman Ghost. In addition, Green Arrow and Speedy show up, as well, though they're in more of a supporting role. It was a surprisingly nuanced story, which includes an unexpected cameo by the spirits of Bruce's parents.

In another episode, the new Blue Beetle approaches Batman for help tracing the legacy of the scarab. The story is interspersed with flashbacks of the final adventure shared by Batman and the previous Blue Beetle, Ted Kord.

Both of these episodes dealt with the issue of death and were unafraid to address the subject head on. It is rare for animated programs to do so, even more so for a show that's ostensibly aimed at a young audience.

In addition, we would like to address the issue regarding which Batman appears. While the artwork of Brave and the Bold evokes the Batman of the fifties, the character himself, we contend, bares more than a passing resemblance to the work of Denny O'Neil, debatably the most significant writer to take on The Dark Knight. He may be operating in a brighter world, and he may not be quite as frightening, but make no mistake: this is Batman.

Cartoon Network seems to keep a few episodes up on their website at a time. If you hurry, you may be able to catch our two favorites before they are cycled out for something different.

Do not think for a moment that we've finished. Here, in this very room, we have devoted numerous postings in an attempt to draw your attention to The Spectacular Spider-Man. Frankly, after all this time, we are somewhat exhausted. And yet, we hear whispering that there are those of you who have yet to experience this program.

At present, it is on something of a hiatus. Reruns are still aired, though the time slot they've been placed in, 7:30 AM, if rumors are to be believed, is less than ideal.

As far as we know, WB has not seen fit to offer this program online. Nevertheless, we suspect it can be found in other locations.

Finally, we would like to draw your attention to a superhero program that's easy to overlook. For a few seasons now, PBS has aired the adventures of Word Girl, a superheroine with an exceptional vocabulary.

Oh, she also has the normal assortment of super-strength, speed, and invulnerability. Word Girl, we understand, is intended for six year olds. The action is typically stopped so that words can be defined for supervillains with a below average IQ.

And one more thing, dear reader: we love every minute.

It's difficult to explain why Word Girl is as good as it is. But there's something infectious about the dry humor of the program. The jokes, while certainly appropriate for young children, are surprisingly clever, and the characters, while simple, are intriguing and likable. Many of the conceits are clearly derived from The Powerpuff Girls, including the narrator's constant interference with the story.

In addition, there's a villain named Dr. Two-Brains, who has a second brain coming out of the side of his head. The second brain, it should be noted, is that of a mouse. His crimes are, logically, cheese related.

Any of our readers who have young children would certainly enjoy watching with them. Those without children are advised to tune in, as well, though we suspect most of you will ignore this recommendation. It is your loss.

6 Month Checkup

The Middle Room, we believe, is intrinsically progressive in nature. Our gaze is locked on the horizon, the future, and it is atypical for us to turn away and reflect on the past. Yet there are, on occasion, events which demand our pause.

The DVD of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog is such an instance. Those of you who have visited The Middle Room before may recall our initial discussion of Joss Whedon's (iD&Di: .97) musical exploration of the psyche of a supervillain. Regardless whether you agree with our assessment, we challenge anyone to claim it failed to deliver on its promise of portraying a villain through song.

It is another promise made around the same time that has brought us full circle. Rumors were circulated that when Dr. Horrible was sold on DVD, a musical commentary would be included. The cynical among us wondered if perhaps this was ruse, if the commentary would, in fact, be a commentary ABOUT the music, or even musicals in general. Or, perhaps there would be singing only in moderation.

But no. Dr. Horrible contains a commentary track, gloriously produced, that is itself a musical. Not just any musical, mind you, but a musical about the making of Dr. Horrible, itself a musical, whose images play over the songs.

Truly, this is a dizzying affair.

But, if you are able to appreciate the musical nature, "Commentary! The Musical" is a brilliant musical exploration of the psyche of a cast of actors musically exploring the psyche of a supervillain.

The Middle Room is impressed.

'Tis the Season

We in The Middle Room adore Christmas, and it is with all sincerity that we send our best wishes. But wishes, of course, are cheap: we've no illusions that our readers are so easily placated.

So we offer content, as well.

First, we would like to draw your attention to a review at the Clearance Bin looking at the 1966 TV Series Batmobile.

But that is far from all. In consultation with The Clearance Bin, we've also put together a collection of images - digital Christmas Cards, if you like - celebrating the season. We have dubbed this selection an "Uncanny X-Mas," and we wish nothing less for you and your loved ones.

Finally, we'd like to share what's become something of a holiday tradition here in The Middle Room: a comic about a secret agent penguin which was created by some guy named "Erin Snyder" a few years back.

We do hope you enjoy.

100th Post Spectacular

It is our assumption that our readers, in an effort to better acquaint themselves with the content of our discussions, not to mention to further the study of those patterns that guide our choice of topics, construct mathematical models and search for numerological significance therein.

If we are correct, then there is little point in mentioning that this is the hundredth post of The Middle Room. Indeed, to spend such time on the subject strikes us as superfluous. We almost decided to forgo celebrating the occasion at all, but in the end it was decided that should we abstain from posting about the event, said event might never come to pass (we can't very well focus on an insignificant subject for our 100th post, after all).

So, consider this our centennial, a milestone passed on our twisting path through the world of the geek.

And to mark the occasion, we've also posted on The Clearance Bin: an article on the nature of materialism awaits your consideration, as does a review of a six-pack of Halloween cauldrons found on clearance at a Toys R Us.

These represent no great numerical importance to The Clearance Bin, though, so there is little profit in dwelling on the subject.

Ebay: Warnings and Advice

We haven't been bothering to notify you, our reader, of every article and column we've placed on The Clearance Bin for the simple reason that we wanted to leave a bit of mystery to the site. Were every last addition mapped out and described here in detail, the excitement of The Clearance Bin would no doubt be lessened.

However, a recent addition to our series for new collectors struck us as something that may be of particular interest to visitors of The Middle Room.

You see, we've only just posted a discussion of Ebay, and it occurred to us that many of those accessing The Middle Room were doing so online.

The connection could not be ignored.

Therefore, we invite you to peruse the article and skim our advice for shopping Ebay, which, we are told, exists likewise on the internet.

You may also have some interest in the previous articles in the series - though it seems far less certain, as they deal all but exclusively with the actual world (a subject, we suspect, our readers have less interest in). Nonetheless, here are some links for those of you who are curious:

Starting a Collection, Part 1: The Value of Clearance
Starting a Collection, Part 2: Choosing Toys
Starting a Collection, Part 3: A Field Guide
And, of course, Starting a Collection, Part 4: Deadly Waters

Toy Review: Wall-E and Eve

Not one but two toy reviews are now up over at The Clearance Bin. You can take a look at U-Repair Wall-E here, then visit his beloved iPod, Search and Protect Eve here.

The Middle Room Presents

The Middle Room is proud to present The Clearance Bin, a site dedicated to action figures and toys of all kinds. Well, most kinds.

Our first review is of NECA's Conan: The Barbarian action figure. Stop by and take a gander.

Be aware that all reviews, articles, and opinions on The Clearance Bin are offered 'as is'. No refunds or exchanges of any kind.

Movie Review - The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

It is our sincere opinion, upon great reflection and consideration, that a discussion of this, the most recent Mummy film, would be entirely without merit or purpose were we to examine it in the absence of Rotten Tomatoes.

If you are unfamiliar, Rotten Tomatoes collects as many reviews as possible, boils them down to a simple dichotomy - thumbs up or down, as it were - and provides a percent, supposedly mirroring a movie's worth.

We fear the mirror may reflect darkly in some cases, which is surely what has occurred here.

If Rotten Tomatoes is to be believed, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is a horrible picture, scoring a measly ten percent. But The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is not horrible; it is merely very bad.

This may seem a trivial observation, but, to put things in perspective, Catwoman is equally ranked. While no one could ever accuse The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor of being good, it was nowhere near as awful as this.

But then polarization is built into the methodology used by Rotten Tomatoes. This isn't so much an error as a limit to the tool's power. While Rotten Tomatoes can usually tell you if a movie is good or bad, it is not capable of telling you how good or how bad. Interpreting a very low grade in such a manner can sometimes be misleading.

Of course, there are other problems with the site. For instance, it is only as capable as the critics it collects, who are themselves far from infallible. But this is a subject we've discussed before: there is little reason to dwell on it now.

Let us turn our attention instead to the movie we set out to discuss. The Mummy. Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

Our first criticism is with how the movie was filmed. It is our sincere opinion that the producers ought to have selected a different director of photography. Why? Because the movie was actually shot well, a fact we found jarring in contrast to the incompetent writing and choreography, and most other aspects of the film.

Had the movie been shot with less skill, we think, it might have seemed less disjointed as a whole. Of course a similar effect might have been achieved by hiring more talented individuals to handle other aspects of the process, but clearly this is far too much to ask.

The least forgivable sin was the writing. The dialogue in the previous Mummy films, while perhaps less than brilliant, was never less than entertaining. Here, every line drags. The laughs are few and far between, as is the action.

And when the action does begin, it fails to satisfy. On every level, the first two Mummy films are fun. This simply is not. There are a few moments that are interesting: many of the effects deliver what was promised. The three-headed dragon, the yeti, and the undead horses are impressive, but they are not enough to entertain. Our enjoyment at the dragon, for instance, felt more academic than heartfelt. It is a sad fate for this franchise, though parallels can be drawn to other recent films.

On a scale of one to five, where five is the original Mummy, we can give this no more than two stars. Movie tickets are expensive these days: wait to rent the dvd this time.